“when i cannot stand I’ll fall on You, Jesus you’re my hope and stay.”

this is the song that was being sung when i walked into Mass a little early today, after walking from the mall to the cathedral alone. i didn’t get lost or abducted, so the “alone” part is worth mentioning.

it is a song I’ve known for years. I have sang it in the choir loft at St. Catherine’s with Jon more times than i could count. I have sang it with Kelley and Josh in my house in Statesboro. I have sang it at retreats at Cove Crest, in San Antonio, at Woodlands. I have sang it on mission trips to Mississippi and New Orleans. And today I sang it in Sydney, Australia.

to say that being on the other side of the world has been overwhelming would be an understatement.  I can’t even go to walmart, and believe it or not, I catch myself missing statesboro when i see all the darty and pool day pictures. I miss my friends, family, boyfriend, dogs, and did I mention walmart?

everything I am used to and everything i know seems to have been tossed out the window. but walking into the church today and hearing that familiar song that I’ve sang too many times felt like home. it always amazes me how God comes to you in the moments you need Him most, even if you don’t realize it.

the gospel reading was one of my favorite pieces of scripture, ever. in essence, it says not to worry or be anxious about this world.

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

in the midst of all my worries about the next few months, whether to get a job, whether journalism is a stupid major that will leave me with no actual skills, etc., God took the time to remind me that He has it all covered and that I can’t add a single hour to my life by worrying.

after Mass, I clapped for the kids in the band singing their hearts out for Jesus and was just so thankful i’ve been able to do the same for so many years.

on the ride home, I was just pondering over the message that God spoke to me today and how there are times when His voice is so loud and clear that it is undeniable.

I don’t have to worry. He told me that. and just to prove it, as I was walking into my apartment wondering what to eat for dinner, my lovely roommate came out of her room and offered me pizza. God really does provide.

the way there: 5 hour flight from Atlanta to Los Angeles. just enough time for a quick Miley Cyrus LAX moment. 16 hour flight from LA to Sydney. struggled to push my two 40-pound suitcases through the airport (multiple dads assisted me, I think they thought I was 12). waited four hours in the Sydney airport for my driver to arrive. about an hour in the shuttle. arrived.

the first fews days were a blur. i fell asleep with the lights on. i didn’t have any wifi to contact anyone. my roommate showed me how to get to the shopping center. i had my first real experience with public transportation and the verdict is not yet out whether i love or hate it. the first few days were an experience to say the least. it was overwhelming. it was a bit lonely. it was a bit taxing.

but then, something magical happened. i ran into a huge group of friends. it was a group of some fellow americans, swedes, london-dwellers, aussies, the list goes on. and let me tell you. they are freaking awesome. we’ve done everything together – gone to the beach, battled each other in laser tag, roasted our butts off at the pool in the 106 degree heat, shopped for groceries, watched scary movies, done laundry. its honestly crazy how a group of friends can make the loneliest of situations feel so full. its also crazy how quickly friendships form when you are in a new place, completely on your own.

so my first week has been full of pool days, barely eating because the heat melts my appetite, drinking pink wine, 6 km beach walks (still surprised I survived that one), exploring the city, making new friends, planes/trains/busses, laser tag, missing my family and friends at home, wishing they were here to experience this all with me, and just living at the complete whim of the adventure.

that was the first seven days. the next will include horse races, and starting “uni,” as they say. and hopefully finding a church that does Mass in english that isn’t two hours, two busses, and a train away. oh, the adventure.

I decided to attend Seek 2017, a huge Catholic convention, when the Focus Missionaries at my school invited me. As the event approached, I realized how badly I needed it. I took a philosophy class this semester that focused on existence – the existence of the universe, the existence of anything in general, and especially the existence of God. The class made me ponder things I had never thought about and doubt long-held beliefs. In the end it was a good, challenging experience, but it did put that doubt of God in my heart. That, along with friends who love to debate against God, and my once strong faith was faltering. I knew I needed to go to Seek, just to see how it made me feel and if I could be encountered by this God I was so uncertain of.

Day 1: After a short 20 hour bus ride from Statesboro to San Antonio, we had arrived, along with 13,000 other Catholics who had traveled from all over the world. After checking into our hotel, we walked over to the Henry B. Gonzalez Convention Center.

Mass the first day was crazy. I watched the largest procession of priests and bishops I have ever seen in my life. If you’ve never been in the presence of over 200 men who have dedicated their lives entirely to God, you are missing out.

After mass, we got to hear our first keynote of the conference. Mark Hart and John O’Leary tag-teamed the talk. John O’Leary is a walking miracle just by being alive, much less being so entirely Christ-centered, and if you have never heard this man’s survival story, look it up. In the end, the biggest take aways for me from that first day were these:

There is nothing adventurous about a carusol. We can’t keep going around and around in circles, we have to go somewhere in our lives and make changes when we get stuck in cycles of sin.

No matter how hurt and broken we may be, we cannot lose the love of God. We will always be his children.

Jesus washed even Judas’s feet after he betrayed him. We can never push God far enough away to lose him.

Day 2: I woke up on the second day of Seek determined to go to confession. With 13,000 trying to go, I knew it may be a bit of a wait. I got in line around 8:30 am and got in around 9:30. I was late to mass, but I was forgiven and able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist, which was the whole point of the hour wait in line. It was so refreshing because I hadn’t received in a while. I went in to adoration afterwards and prayed for an hour about all the questions and desires on my heart and walked out with this overwhelming relief and trust that God has a plan and will take care of me.

Day 2 was the first day for men and women’s sessions. The women’s session was led by Lisa Ann Cotter, and it revolved around this idea of “What Moves You As You Were Made To Be.” She talked a lot about true womanhood. She said that to find true womanhood, we must first look to the unchanging. Culture is finnicky and constantly changing – every decade wants something new from women, whether it means being a domestic goddess, a free and easy hippie, or a carbon copy of men. The unchanging identity of woman is this: the pinnacle of creation, the daughter of a creator.

The second thing she said was that we need to understand our feminine genius – these unique things that make us truly woman and truly different and truly needed.

Lisa then said we must LIVE our genius and continue to wrestle with a society that tells us we must fit in and give up the things that make us ourselves. In essence, she meant this, one of my favorite quotes ever:

“Be who you were created to be and you will set the world on fire.” – St. Catherine of Siena.

The last thing she said, and what has always proved hard for me, was to build a squad of sisters who see the world the same as me and will hold me accountable to the type of person I want to be – which is a godly, joyful, virtuous person. It is so important though to have accountability partners, people to do life with and go through our struggles with us. She said to look to the past saints as well as find future saints. On a more humorous note, she mentioned that finding “sisters” was especially crucial because with Godly men there is always the underlying “are-we-supposed-to-get-married-and-have-seven-kids,” thing.

Next, I went to Jackie Francios Angel’s first session of the day. It was titled “Made In His Image.” It was a talk I have probably heard many times but something new stuck out to me. We all have these aches and longings that sometimes seem unfillable – God is supposed to fill them. No matter how Godly of a man you marry or how many Christian children you raise, God should always have that first place in your heart (don’t take my word for it though, check out Psalm 63).

The third session I went to was by Matt Fradd and was entitled “God, The Universe, and Everything.” In 45 minutes…right.  But Fradd first asked us to tackle the definitions of atheism, theism, and agnostic. In short: atheism = God exists, atheism = God doesn’t exist, and agnostic = I don’t know. Fradd went on to point out that today’s atheists want to change the definition to “a lack of belief in God.” He points out that this definition is problematic, but to save you the reading, just check it out on his podcast, Pints With Aquinas.

Matt Fradd went on to give examples of “bad meme arguments” for the non-existence of God and answered each one – again, check the podcast. He went on to define “evil” and explain why “the way things should NOT be,” requires first “a way that things SHOULD BE.”

In the end, what I took to heart from the session was this:

“Unless someone can give me a good reason to believe that my personal experiences with Jesus Christ are false or never happened, I am within my epistemic right to believe in God.”

and

“Even if the evidence for atheism and theism were equal (which they aren’t), why would you not bet on God?”

Day 3 (I promise this post will end):

Mass on the third day of Seek was just beautiful. I had an aisle seat on the row that 260+ priests and bishops walked down. Some walked by, recording the crowds with their phones, while we recorded them with ours. It was a kind of monumental moment when I realized, “This is what these men do it for – for all of us to come to Christ.”

Anyway, about 200 men pass by and then I hear all the girls around me gasp. The girl behind me says, “Oh. My. Gosh. I would do anything to meet him.”

Of course it was Father Mike Schmitz. But see, I had a twitter conversation with him on the bus ride to Seek, so we were obviously friends and I had to keep my cool. Like, “Oh hey Father, how’s Mass going? Super casual you are standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME. No big deal.”

After Mass was another women’s session, this time with Crystalina Evert. Her talk was about relationships. She focused on telling us how relationships shouldn’t make you feel, and then countered that with how they should make you feel. She made it clear that you should not feel used, impure, dirty, or be led into sin. Crystalina said that inner peace is what a good relationship will harbor in you. Its cliche, but she kept mentioning that the language of love is not words, but action. Her own personal testimony was something I really needed to hear, but you can watch her on Youtube, so again I’ll spare you the details for now. You can also check it out in her book, Soulmates, co-authored with her husband Jason Evert.

My big take away from her talk was that you can’t hide from Jesus. He will find you in the midst of your sin and brokenness and call you to healing. She hammered home that you cannot be defined by your past – you are not your sins. It only matters where you go from here.

My second session of the day was with Father Robert Spitzer of magicenter.com. I only understood about 14% of the big science things he was talking about, but he explained how every universe theory points to the existence of a creator, down to the detail of the mass of a neutron. He stated that science explains our universe, but that God is outside the universe. He pointed to space-time geometry proofs like the 2003 Borde-Vilenkin-Guth proof of universal expansion, which in essence requires the beginning of the universe, and the beginning of the universe, in turn, requires the existence of a creator. I’m not kidding, just go to magicenter.com, I’m sure it will make way more sense there. But I was blown away.

“At this moment it seems as though science will never be able to raise the curtain on the mystery of creation. For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.”

― Robert Jastrow

The keynote address on Thursday was given by Sister Bethany Madonna, who is outrageously funny. She told stories and admitted her awkwardness, but the point of her talk was beautiful. We must receive sometimes. We must receive God’s love, which we are so blind to by our experiences with imperfect human love. God’s love is divine and unconditional and we must realize that.

Thursday night we had adoration. Not like 100 people in silence. Like 13,000 people praising Jesus in the Eucharist with 4,000 confessions taking place, with worship music and crying and a crowd of people following the most magnificent monstrance I have ever seen while praying a rosary.  It was so beautiful. And I realized that, even in my season of doubt, I longed to believe. My heart would rather believe in God and in Jesus than reject HIM. It made me joyful to come to this conclusion.

Another thing I noticed in adoration was everyone around me in tears. I’ve had years of adoration where I cried and begged God for many things- healing from mental illness, forgiveness, you name it. But what I realized in that moment was that I was at peace. I was joyful. God had answered every prayer, and for now, I have nothing but thanks and awe.

Day 4:

Day 4 started with Mass as usual, and while I could write hundreds of pages on the mysteries of Mass alone, I’ll just stick to Seek.

The women’s session was given by Leah Darrow. She reminded us that women are powerful, made by God himself. She reminded us, and made us repeat, that God made all girls “strong and brave.” After Seek, she even made a shirt that said “strong and brave,” because we loved it so much. But anyway, the former America’s Next Top model stated that women are more than a worldly exterior, that we are called to be more and change the world. She used quotes from people like Joan of Arc to prove to us that we can be world changers.

My session for the last day was given by Father Dave Dwyer and it focused on discernment and our callings in life. In short, he said to follow what brings you JOY – not happiness – but soulful joy.

The keynote talk on the last night of Seek was given by Father Mike Schmitz. He talked about how we cannot evaluate Christianity the same way we evaluate other religions, because other religions used prophets or messages from God, while Jesus claimed to BE God.

So, we have three options: To believe that Jesus was lying, to believe that Jesus was insane, or to believe that Jesus truly is God. According to Father Mike, when we look at the characteristics of Jesus in the bible, we do not see a narcissistic liar. Insanity is also ruled out when you realize that, when you are confronted with crazy, you can recognize it. No one at Jesus’ time thought he was loony – they saw and believed. So, for his conclusion, Father Mike rested with the third option – that Jesus is God.

Day 5 (This is the last day, if you are still reading!) :

The last day was a bit of a wrap up, starting with a session called Venture On, led by FOCUS CEO Curtis Martin. He started by reminding us that we are called to be world changers, and that this world desperately needs changing. To be world changers, we need to practice 3 habits.

The first habit is divine intimacy with the Lord – to truly know him and be transformed by him.

The second habit is authentic friendship – which is hindered today by technology. We need to be focused on true virtuous friendships, as no one can live this life alone.

The third habit is spiritual multiplication – to make disciples. One person can cause a ripple effect and bring many people to Christ.

After Venture On, we participated in a final Mass to end the conference where it started, with Jesus in the Eucharist.

Final thoughts:

If you’ll believe it, I had to cut out so much from each day to make this a manageable post. So I’m going to leave a few random things here at the bottom.

1. Christianity is not about behavior modification, it is about the utter transformation of the heart.
2. www.magicenter.com
3. Answering Atheism with Trent Horn, Pints with Aquinas by Matt Fradd, Soulmates by Jason and Crystalina Evert, 33 Days to Morning Glory
4. Follow everyone on twitter – Father Mike, Sister Miriam (@onegroovynun), Leah Darrow, Matt Fradd, the Everts, Jackie Francios. Get some holiness on your timeline.
5. Last but not least, if you want to hear everything I wrote about and more for yourself, the Adventure talks from Seek2017 are on sale now and most of them are on youtube!

God bless and REEEEEEESE.

new years eve – a time of partying, champagne popping, kissing at midnight,  cheers, and resolutions. usually for me, I spend this lovely holiday with my family, and some years we don’t even stay awake to watch the ball drop.

however, this year I wanted to do something different. I decided I was going to go to Athens with some friends, and I guess I should have known that the night would not live up to my expectations. however, I did not expect it to be the type of night where I ended up walking four miles from downtown back to my friend’s apartment in the pouring rain and 40 degree night with a broken toe and heels on.

now don’t think I had a crazy night – my toe was previously broken from accidentally kicking my sister. why I decided to wear heels is still beyond me. I guess I just didn’t have any flats to match my outfit.

anyway, the new year got me to thinking about how many people wait for big milestones to make a change in their lives. and I remembered a song I wrote probably back in second grade that went something like,

“you don’t have to wait till the new year, you don’t have to wait till next month, you don’t have to wait till monday, right now is good enough”

super deep. I know.

But the truth of my 9-year-old ballad struck a chord with me. I feel like a lot of people are always waiting for something so they can start to make the changes they want. but all those sayings about living in the present and time going by too quickly are so true. we all have the potential to make those seemingly impossible changes if we just commit to them.

for me, I’ve been working on being more optimistic. so, that soggy hour and a half walk through Athens didn’t make me as miserable as it could have. I told myself things like:

“This is the best workout I’ve gotten in years.”

“I guess this year’s resolution could be to get in shape.”

“This is my first adventure of 2017. Definitely writing about it on my blog.”

change starts with your mindset. whether it be a mental or physical or lifestyle change, you have to be determined and committed and have end-goal in mind to work towards.

in 2017, I hope to be more spontaneous, adventurous, and independent.

best of luck on your resolutions! happy new year!

​

today, I got to watch a rehabilitated sea turtle be released back into the ocean. there were hundreds of people there to watch this single turtle, named Nicklen, be returned to his home. it was an inspiring sort of event.

but what really bothered me was the sort of hypocrisy of it all. people were dropping plastic water bottles on the beach, and there was outlet runoff of dirty water being pumped into the ocean right where the turtles are always released. 

I don’t know what it will take for the world to realize we need to take preventative action, or be proactive at correcting our mistakes, instead of doing the bare minimum. how many sea turtles have to be injured/killed before we realize that plastic waste kills? 

that is on such a small, narrow scale. Did you know that the Artic is 36 degrees above normal temperatures? Did you know that in many Chinese cities people can’t even go outside because the air is unhealthy to breath? 

these are all problems caused by humans. they aren’t far off problems we learn about in 5th grade biology and never hear about again. these things are happening. we need to do something about it. 

so yes, today was a joyous moment of a now healthy turtle being returned to nature. it was exhilarating to watch and made my heart happy. but we need to do so much more. 

thank you to loggerhead marinelife center at Juno Beach for all the work you do!!

have you ever had that type of friendship where every single thing feels like a competition? or had the sort of friend with whom you always had a bone to pick, something eating away at that relationship in the back of your mind? humans are the trickiest beings we have to deal with, luckily. if you think about it, you could know someone your entire life and never know their true intentions.

crappy friends and sneaky people are just a few reasons I am so grateful to have “my people,” in my life.

by “my people,” I mean the people who, just by doing what they do and living, basically, inspire me to be better. the people who take life day by day or battle by battle and don’t lose hope. especially in these years of transition and uncertainty (aka college).

my people are the people who have obstacle after obstacle thrown in their way but still refuse to give up on their dreams, no matter how big. my people are the people who get out of situations that no longer serve them, in an effort to make their lives better, even if it isn’t an easy choice. my people are the people who dream so big that it sends them and their little start up to LA. my people are the people who write heart-wrenching songs and play the guitar until their fingers hurt because that is what they want to do with their lives. my people are the people who radiate positivity even when they feel the whole world is falling apart.

so to my people, I want to say a big thank you. thank you for pushing me to dream big and take chances and never back down. and most importantly, thank you for pushing me to adventure – whether it be jumping off of cliffs or flying across the world.

you know who you are.

It is so crazy how many opportunities there are in the world. Places to go, people to connect with, roles to play. At 19, to say that it is overwhelming would be a little bit of an understatement.

If you know me at all, you probably know that I’ve been feeling unfulfilled lately in little old Statesboro. And that is not to say that I am “too good” for Statesboro or anything like that. It is more of this crushing realization that the world is so much bigger than Georgia Southern – or hey, even UGA for that matter, if you wanna play that game.

What I’m saying is it is not the choice of school making me feel like this. It is the societal concept that we can only travel and experience the world after we graduate and work for 40 years. I want to see the world now. The fear of never getting to explore this world God made for us is enough to make me get on a plane and fly half a world away from everything and everyone I know and love.

I had this brief period where I thought I was capable of changing the world. Maybe I’d invent a machine that cleaned toxins out of the ocean without harming wildlife, or maybe I’d save the Great Barrier Reef from ultimate destruction. I had these grand plans of exposing corrupt politicians with my writing or proving conspiracy theories in a well researched article. Maybe I actually believed it or maybe it was just a side effect from late-night existential crises conversations with my roommates during finals week. But the potential I felt for that short time was enough.

In a conversation with my older sister, I realized it wasn’t just a product of my anxiety-and-depression prone mind. Apparently that fleeting burst of world-domination-angst is something most people go through in college, and I’m not sure if that is refreshing or disappointing. Refreshing in the fact that all of us mediocre American college kids think we can change the world for a few days each, or disappointing because none of really seem to achieve it. Anyway, what my sister said to me was this:

“I went through a phase where I felt like I was just wasting away. I felt like I had the potential to change the world. Madeline, changing schools won’t help how you feel. Because there will always be a better school, a better program, someone better. My point is that sometimes you need to find peace within yourself. I have no clue what I’m doing with my life and that is okay. You realize that no one has a fucking clue. We are all stumbling around trying to get our lives together.”

Six years later and she could articulate exactly what she felt all that time ago. What I really took away from what she said was that I needed to find a way to come to peace with the world and myself. And I felt that to do that I needed to go somewhere I could be completely independent. Okay, so maybe the other side of the  world is a little extreme, but as my dad always says, go big or go home.

So maybe my dreams of being a famous singer or a National Geographic photojournalist or a professional mermaid or a worship leader at a Steubenville conference are a little far fetched. Or maybe they aren’t. But I have to go find out.

Journalism classes in Sydney, Australia. With Hillsong Church right down the road. Not to mention about 7 Catholic cathedrals to whet my appetite for Mass and confession. A totally new place, with all new people. Completely alone. Terrifying, sure. But also exhilarating.

Who knows, I could be saving the Amazon Rainforest or putting out original music videos in a few years. But my daring adventures start here.