a (wise??) friend once told me that nothing matters. he laughed, and in the same breath said that everything matters.

its a funny thing, how both can be true.

I recognized it recently, all at once.

for Easter break, my friend Kelsey and I hopped on a flight to Cairns – destination: The Great Barrier Reef. We spent our first few days on island time, lounging on the beach all day, exploring the souvenir shops in the city, hiking through a little patch of rainforest in the botanical gardens.

the day before our flight home, we each paid $109 for the most confusing experience of my life. we woke up super early and walked from our dingy-yet-adventurous hostel to the marina. we boarded the little ship and settled in for the two-hour trip out to our first dive location.

in my head, it was going to look like scenes from Nemo, with swaying pink anemones and bright clown fish darting around. maybe a shark or two. of course, I knew about the bleaching of the reef, but how bad could it really be if tourists like me were still paying to go out and see it?

apparently, it could be really bad. clad in a snorkel mask, and clinging to my noodle for dear life as I jumped into the middle of the ocean, gopro camera in hand, i found out just how bad.

here and there were sizable patches of yellow coral, and there were specks of blue and purple hidden in the dirty sand. rainbow colored fish swam by, unphased by the 20 humans encroaching on their one-glorious habitat.

it was exhilerating and depressing all at once. i couldn’t help but feel dismayed that the reef was pretty much gone – and this location is doing well compared to the rest of the reef. i couldn’t help but imagine it in its former glory, the Great Barrier Reef on postcards and screensavers.
of course, i say this all in hindsight. at that moment, I felt like a mermaid flipping my fins, gliding through schools of tiny fish, close enough to touch. it was one of those moments when you just have to stop and soak it all in and realize the significance of where you are.

It was weird, I felt superhuman, super natural. maybe some sort of zen, one with rhe universe and nature. that kind of feeling. humans were destroying the reef, but I felt less human than that. afterall, I didn’t wear sunscreen, so i wasn’t hurting the reef.

everything matters and nothing does. I could wear sunscreen or not, one tiny person covered in lotion wasn’t going to change the fate of the 25 million year old ecosystem. but then, what if no one wore sunscreen? what if the macho men took noodles out to use when they got tired instead of standing on the reef and almost making my head explode with anger? what if the australian government started valuing the earth over the profit from coal-mining so close to the ocean? every person, every decision, impacts the rest of the world.

maybe I’m rambling but it really made me think. maybe it was the extra wine I had on the boat ride back to shore, or maybe it was feeling so in tune with the world after my mermaiding experience, or maybe it was the sunburn making me delirious.

I’m unsure how to wrap up this post. I guess just by saying that all at once, nothing matters, but everything does.