so here I am, in the San Jose Airport, returning home 10 days too early. it feels a little bit like those movies where you relive the same day over and over again. I’m frustrated and upset that I spent so much on this trip and have nothing to show for it.

basically, I was perfectly fine for the first 5 days of my trip. I was enjoying the campus, meeting new people, eating healthy food. About the fifth or sixth day, I started having chest pains. For two days I just took a bunch of Tums and anti-acids, thinking it was heart burn.

After two days and no improvement, I started getting anxious about the pain. It didn’t feel like my normal anxiety chest pains, which never last longer than an hour or so. It was hard to breath deeply and it hurt to laugh. I took a hot shower, my anxiety medicine, and went to bed. This is usually a cure-all process for me.

I woke up still in pain. I took some advil and went through my day as normal, thinking again that it was just my anxiety and that I would be fine. By dinner, I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t eat. At this point, I decided to inform my professors just for peace of mind. They assured me it was my anxiety and that breathing would make it better.

That honestly ticked me off. I waited 2 days to even mention the pain because I didn’t want to be the girl that cried pain. I have dealt with anxiety my entire life. I know how it feels. Sometimes it gets the best of me and I think something more is wrong, but thats what the anxiety medicine is for. I know well and good that anxiety causes physical symptoms. But there was no reason for me to be anxious. I had enjoyed the first bit of the trip, my classes were easy, I was making friends and sleeping plenty. I wasn’t dehydrated, nor did I have pulled muscles. I felt those things pretty adamantly. I was praying and calling my family and taking deep breaths – all the things I do to manage my anxiety.

the next day I again woke up in pain. My chest radiated a dull ache, and there were the sharp pains on my left side. I popped some more advil and tried to go about my day – again.

I think that was the fifth day of the pain. I had no appetite and didn’t feel good enough to walk up to dinner, so I decided to go back to the room and shower and go to bed. I had convinced myself, as everyone was saying, that it was just my anxiety and I was fine. I wasn’t going to let the anxiety ruin my trip. I was going to be fine. But being alone and in pain freaked me out. I went outside and called my uncle to talk me down from the anxiety, messaged my roommate to let her know I was going to bed, and walked back to the room.

I was about to shower when the program director knocked on my door. She asked if I was okay and I couldn’t say yes. I had been in bad pain for 5 days. So she had a friend come sit with me – shout out to Alex for taking care of me – while she made arrangements for me to go to the doctor.

The doctor ran an EKG – completely normal – and did a physical exam. She basically told me that the cartilage in my ribs was inflamed, which was causing the pain. Not a big deal at all, but some physical cause for the pain that everyone was brushing off as anxiety while I was physically hurting.

The doctor gave me a shot for the pain and prescribed some pain meds, with instructions to pick them up as soon as the pharmacy opened in the morning.

We were leaving for San Jose in the morning, so the professors assumed I’d be fine to wait until 5 p.m., unable to take advil or anxiety meds to prevent the medicines from interacting. We sat on a bus – stuck behind road work – for about 4 hours. I had sat by the funny kid in the group, and laughing was painful. I couldn’t bend over in my seat to get my advil or water without help.

We didn’t pick up my pain medicine until about 5 p.m. yesterday, at which point I had already told my dad I couldn’t stay here in pain for 10 more days. That man works quick, folks. He had another flight booked for me before I could change my mind. I know its what I need, to leave the trip and go home, but it feels like defeat.

I was worried that when I knew I was coming home, all the pain would go away. That it was just my anxiety that forced me to ask my dad for an expensive plane ticket to come home early. It was weird, when I felt the now-familiar pain, that I felt relieved. It was real pain, it wasn’t just anxiety. Like that made it not a waste of money, somehow.

But then I felt guilty for thinking that, as well. If I truly believe that mental health is as real and important as physical health, why would coming home due to anxiety have been shameful, while physical pain would not?

I’m not sure I have the answer to that question, really. I still think there is a stigma to mental health and anxiety. I think that people with anxiety have a hard time convincing others that what they are feeling can be anything physical, no matter how small. I think I won’t be traveling for a while. but honestly, just God bless my dad.

so I have discovered that my classes will not be taking up nearly as much of my time as I thought. I brought one book and my devotional with me. Wifi is spotty and we are in the middle of the mountains, hours from places to go. so, in discovering my immense amount of free time, I will be updating this blog a lot more often.

One thing I have always struggled with is journaling. I have several notebooks with a New Year’s Resolution go at it – about 5 entries that end in February, but I have never kept up with it to the extent I want. So this will serve as my journal of sorts while I am here in Costa Rica.

Today, we woke up and went on a two-hour hike. It wasn’t two hours due to the distance – it was probably only about a mile. But our pace was slow due to the tour we were being given on every plant we saw and every animal noise we heard.

In my environmental journalism class, we sat in a circle and sang Cielito Linda – I wish I was kidding.

That was followed by dinner and some free time which I filled by talking with my roommates.

Got a solid nights sleep – roach free!

Day 2:

Woke up for an 8:30 photography class and quickly learned I had no idea what I was doing. Lots of learning to be done!

Then we hiked a bit and had lunch.

The second day of environmental journalism was a hike. If you have never gone on a two hour silent hike through the remote mountains of Costa Rica with about 15 strangers – I would totally recommend it. Hoping that as I get more in shape the chest pains will go away.

After a long day, 16 of the 32 of us got in some taxis and went to Bar Amigo in Santa Elena. It was magical and I already love this group of people.

After watching my dad hammer and duct tape up my suitcase – lovingly dubbed “Big Bertha” by my sisters and I about 12 years ago – I was ready to go.

A four plane ride, and a three hour bus ride up a mountain, and we arrived at UGA Costa Rica.

I am so excited to be here and start my classes. I an taking a field photography class – so expect lots of photos, and an environmental journalism class. I feel like this is a huge step in the right direction for me and where I want to go.

I am also participating in a home stay for three days with a family here in Monteverde, and am nervous (due to my lack of spanish skills) but also so excited to experience a new culture and language.

A few random things:

1.Shout out to Delta for being so sustainable and recycling/using paper boxes. My environmentalist self was so excited when they separated them and recycled them.

2. I had a roach in my bed last night. I had a dream that there was a spider in my bed, which woke me up to see a roach. In the spirit of nature and conservation, I knocked him on the floor and switched beds.

3. We went on a hike this morning – for anyone who went hiking with me in Australia: I got new boots and I didn’t fall! Be proud.

4. The views are insane here.

5. We are literally in the middle of nowhere out here. The stars are incredible. I’m wanting to do yoga under the stars and feel at one with the cosmos. (Shoutout to my yoga instructor at UGA for making me love it.)

6. I was originally dreading traveling with a group, but I’m really happy to be with some familiar faces and have people to talk to! I got lucky with some awesome roommates.

All I know is I’m glad to be here and I can’t wait for all the adventures to follow.

something I am absolutely terrible at. I have a habit of getting way too attached to people and way too emotional about endings and new beginnings.

these goodbyes will be especially hard as I feel like I just started getting close to the right people. i can’t help but wish I had a a bit more time with these friends. or like, they came back to America with me. see you fools in London.

the first of our friend group here in Sydney left today, and I leave in less than two days. it feels like there are so many things left unsaid and so many things left undone. so after posting a sappy cover of “rivers and roads,” to all my friends here all I have to say is thank you, I love you, and I can’t wait to see you guys again.

today I went back to coogee beach, the first beach I visited in Australia. it seems oddly fitting.

my suitcases are packed, my little goodbye party to the airport is organized, and it still somehow feels unfinished. here’s to one more night of trivia at 3 wise, seeing vivid, and crying into a bottle of wine tomorrow.

my time here in australia is winding down and so is my time as a *teenager*

this week I finish up school, as soon as I finish a research paper and a reflection.

this week I also turn 20!

I’m excited to be finishing my time at uni, and I’m excited for the free time it will give me to experience Australia for my last few weeks. I have lots planned – a trip to Palm Beach, a trip to a kangaroo sanctuary, a wine and painting class, a barista class, celebrating my 20th with some adult bevvies in the city to see Vivid.

but I am also excited to go home. I know I’ll want to come back soon, but right now I have this weird sense of loneliness or discontent. I’m excited to see my family, my friends, my dogs. let me tell you – I have not seen a dog since coming to Australia. I’m also super excited for walmart and chickfila. I am excited to move into my news house in Athens and take on UGA and everything junior year has to offer.

but as I am getting ready to leave, I am already feeling the beginnings of missing it. missing my sweet village family and the traditions we’ve created – Monday night trivia at Three Wise Monkeys, Wet Wednesday at Scaries, riding the 520 home to Parra at any given hour of any given day, the free bbq’s on Wednesdays, wizard sticks, and beer pong. I am going to miss the amazing friends I have made and the good times we have had together. I feel like the friends I’ve made have helped me grow as a person and really open my mind *shoutout to Dylan and Marc for introducing me to RuPaul’s Drag Race*

there is so much more i wanted to do while I was here. I wanted to take a trip to Fiji – which I was going to be able to do for a reporting job but got denied because I’m not a citizen. I wanted to fly out to Thailand to meet up with a sweet sister (ps Christian, I hope you have the time of your life!!), I wanted to go to Melbourne and Gold Coast. I wanted to see New Zealand – just not in the winter. But the good thing about all these adventures still to come is that they are still to come – I  get to come back and explore more.

Thinking about all the things I wanted to do shows me just how much I actually did. I explored Sydney and saw just about as much of the city as anyone can. I went down to Wollongong to zipline and got to see that part of Australia. I GOT TO SNORKEL ON THE GREAT BARRIER REEF FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I have made friends from close to home and all over the world. I am so blessed to have had these opportunities and I will always cherish these memories.

I’m slowly packing up and making plans for my last few weeks here, but I am already excited for what my next daring adventure holds.

*insert justin timberlake meme here*

anyway…

Its May 1st here in Australia and it’s about to be May back home.

It’s going to be a huge month for me. My last full month here in Sydney, finishing up all my courses at uni and getting all my marks, turning 20 – I repeat TWENTY!!

trying to balance course work with making as much time for fun and adventure as I can before I head home. I only have one video project and two papers left really, so I’m excited to get them out of the way and be stress free!

I’m already feeling nostalgic about leaving my new city and all the amazing friends I have made here, but I know that so many opportunities await me at home, whether that is in Atlanta, or Los Angeles (??), or Athens. I am beyond excited to see my family and friends back and share all my experiences with them.

It still feels like I have only been here for a few weeks, but I also see how much has changed since I left. my nephew is talking and almost walking, my little sister is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL!!!

my sweet Sage is the happiest I have ever seen her, Reagan is leaving for Paris this summer, London is moving home. I have this weird sense of missing out on everyone’s last semester in Statesboro, even though I have been having the time of my life and know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

hoping to make a few more memories here before it is time to leave it all behind.

well, cheers to May and all that it will hold.

a (wise??) friend once told me that nothing matters. he laughed, and in the same breath said that everything matters.

its a funny thing, how both can be true.

I recognized it recently, all at once.

for Easter break, my friend Kelsey and I hopped on a flight to Cairns – destination: The Great Barrier Reef. We spent our first few days on island time, lounging on the beach all day, exploring the souvenir shops in the city, hiking through a little patch of rainforest in the botanical gardens.

the day before our flight home, we each paid $109 for the most confusing experience of my life. we woke up super early and walked from our dingy-yet-adventurous hostel to the marina. we boarded the little ship and settled in for the two-hour trip out to our first dive location.

in my head, it was going to look like scenes from Nemo, with swaying pink anemones and bright clown fish darting around. maybe a shark or two. of course, I knew about the bleaching of the reef, but how bad could it really be if tourists like me were still paying to go out and see it?

apparently, it could be really bad. clad in a snorkel mask, and clinging to my noodle for dear life as I jumped into the middle of the ocean, gopro camera in hand, i found out just how bad.

here and there were sizable patches of yellow coral, and there were specks of blue and purple hidden in the dirty sand. rainbow colored fish swam by, unphased by the 20 humans encroaching on their one-glorious habitat.

it was exhilerating and depressing all at once. i couldn’t help but feel dismayed that the reef was pretty much gone – and this location is doing well compared to the rest of the reef. i couldn’t help but imagine it in its former glory, the Great Barrier Reef on postcards and screensavers.
of course, i say this all in hindsight. at that moment, I felt like a mermaid flipping my fins, gliding through schools of tiny fish, close enough to touch. it was one of those moments when you just have to stop and soak it all in and realize the significance of where you are.

It was weird, I felt superhuman, super natural. maybe some sort of zen, one with rhe universe and nature. that kind of feeling. humans were destroying the reef, but I felt less human than that. afterall, I didn’t wear sunscreen, so i wasn’t hurting the reef.

everything matters and nothing does. I could wear sunscreen or not, one tiny person covered in lotion wasn’t going to change the fate of the 25 million year old ecosystem. but then, what if no one wore sunscreen? what if the macho men took noodles out to use when they got tired instead of standing on the reef and almost making my head explode with anger? what if the australian government started valuing the earth over the profit from coal-mining so close to the ocean? every person, every decision, impacts the rest of the world.

maybe I’m rambling but it really made me think. maybe it was the extra wine I had on the boat ride back to shore, or maybe it was feeling so in tune with the world after my mermaiding experience, or maybe it was the sunburn making me delirious.

I’m unsure how to wrap up this post. I guess just by saying that all at once, nothing matters, but everything does.

I swear Australia is a time-warp. how is it already april? how is it only april? It feels like my whole life has changed, and yet I haven’t even been here two months. Also dreading leaving this life-changing place in a few short months – can I stay forever?

It is already the mid-semester break for me. my classes this week got cancelled and I fly to Cairns to see the Great Barrier Reef on Wednesday with kelsey.

My sweet friend Andrew got diagnosed with leukemia this past week and he starts chemo next week. It is scary how someone can seem so perfectly healthy and have obnoxious amounts of energy one day and be in the hospital the next. but he is so strong and I can’t wait for him to be healthy again and take on more adventures. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

I have learned that you should usually listen to your best friends, they want what is best for you, and can see the outside of your situations when you are stuck inside. hindsight is always 20/20.

last week, i had one of the best days of my life. I woke up at 6 am before the sun and went on a 6 hour hike with some amazing people. the views from the middle of the mountains on the east coast of Australia might just be unbeatable. I almost died when a wave hit me and I slid across 10 feet of sharp rocks, but battle scars make for good stories, and having friends to pull you to your feet is such a refreshing feeling. I was shocked I survived the hike honestly, as i am so out of shape. I had this moment of complete thankfulness that God has given me a body that can climb mountains and stand up every time I fall down (which was like 3, but who is counting??)

I’m currently waiting on an admission decision from UGA, but contemplating applying for more time in Australia. there is some blessing in having too many good options in your life.

for now, I’m taking life day by day and living in the adventure of every moment and I’ve never felt so good in my life. never want this to end.

I can’t believe I have only been here for a month and a half. it seems like so much longer. I’ve made some amazing friends, gone some incredible places, and made memories I will never forget, even if I wanted to.

I’ve mastered the art of public transportation – bus AND train. I’ve learned my way around Sydney (kind of). I have watched more horror movies in the past 6 weeks than in the rest of my life combined.

I’ve learned to cook multiple real people meals, but I’ve also eaten more crackers and drank more wine than is probably healthy.

I’ve listened to the Mamma Mia soundtrack more than I would like to admit, and spent far too much of my free time on social media.

But I’ve also done some productive things. I relearned guitar, and have posted a few songs. I’ve conducted two super successful interviews for my journalism courses. I have written one article – so far.

Maybe I haven’t gotten a job or exercised at all, but that’s okay because I learned how to make sangria and talk to an adult stranger on the phone, so I’d say I’m on the right track to #adulting.

I’ve tried tons of restaurants because I made a rule to only go to each place once so that I get to experience as many places as possible.

I applied to transfer from Southern to UGA in the fall – UGA has a much better journalism program, I’m closer to home, and there is a better chance I can get a job there. I am also super excited to join their environmental-themed a cappella group, the Ecotones. have you ever heard of something more Madeline? I mean an environmentally friendly singing team. come on now.

I’m super excited for the future but I am also enjoying my time here to the fullest. I’ve gone ziplining in Wollongong, explored the suburbs of Sydney, and booked my flight to The Great Barrier Reef for Easter Break. I have played laser tag, and gone to church, and thrift shopped, and walked 9 kilometers between Coogee, Bondi, and Bronte Beach.

It’s crazy to think all this has happened in a month and a half, and it’s even crazier to know with how fast the time is flying that I will be home soon.

all I know is that this trip has already changed me and I will leave with, at the very least, friends from all over the world – Canada, Sweden, New Mexico, Australia – and memories to last a lifetime.

if you know me, you’ll probably know I (used to be??) a bit of a control freak. my current control-freak status is up for debate.

anyway.

I’ve really been trying, for a while now, to trust in the bigger picture, to trust in God, to trust in the plan, whatever you want to call it.

today, I spent all day in bed, telling myself all I had to do was get up for Mass at six. it is Lent, so going to Mass is an even bigger deal than normal for me, and I go every week.

I told myself I would get up and shower and leave by 5:20 to catch the bus and get there with time to spare. it takes 10 minutes to get there, so I was being extra generous with my time.

I walked out of the village at 5:20. plenty of time to make it to Mass.

when I walked out, there was a Red Frogs van. the red frogs come to the village every other week to cook us dinner at the bbq. I have become friends with two of the girls in particular, Nancy and Jackie. it happened to be Nancy and Jackie with the van.

I didn’t know that the red frogs did a service for college students on Sunday nights. I stopped to chat and they invited me to come. this meant I would miss Mass. I was unsure.

as I was debating it in my head, thinking of an excuse to get to Mass, I watched the bus I needed to catch drive past us.

I took it as a sign that God had other plans for my night than Mass, and agreed to go to the red frog service.

I am so thankful I missed that bus.

when we got to Elevation church, we were greeted with bags of freebies and a meal ticket for dinner after the service. we walked into the church to the sound of drums, bass, guitar, keys – all out Hillsong style worship.

the sermon was a good one – why do bad things happen to good people? the big question. at the end, kmwhat I took from the message was that bad things happen because the world is messed up and we all sin, but that God allows these things to happen so He can do something significant in our lives – build relationships, help others through their struggles, etc.

after the service, a friend from the village and I grabbed our (free!!) Larry’s Pizza, and sat down to chat. real, deep, meaningful conversations are hard to come by in a new place with new people, so I braced myself for another conversation about the weather or homesickness.

I was in for a shock.

my friend and I talked about how the surmon made us feel, and the conversation turned to the “bad things” that sometimes happen to “good” people. I put the “good” in quotations as the sermon made us question our goodness. however, the sermon also emphasized that the bad things that happen to us are not always our fault, and that sometimes we don’t deserve the bad things in our lives.

we talked about the bad things. sexual assualt, illness, depression, jail, losing jobs, homelessness, you name it.

we talked about how we both came to Australia to do a bit of soul searching, to find ourselves.

we talked about what we know about our identities.

journalist. artist. gypsy. writer. mountain woman. we kept telling each other things we knew.

and at the end of that conversation, both in tears and realizing how much two strangers can have in common, we learned another identity we shared.

survivor.

our stories had many differences, and maybe they actually had more similarities, but we have both survived something.

we have both survived something that, as “good” people, would be considered “bad.” we agreed that neither of us deserved these bad things and neither of these bad things were our fault. in the 30 minute conversation we had tonight, we built a new friendship, and helped each other through the struggle.

if you haven’t caught on yet, that is exactly what the sermon was saying is the point of all the bad things that people go through.

little moments like this much needed night just lead me to believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

here, in Australia, in Parramatta, at Western Sydney University, and tonight, at Elevation eating free pizza instead of being at Mass. one tiny difference in my plan was God’s plan. and that is exactly where I am supposed to be.